Guidepost # 3 reminds us to cultivate resiliency as a way out of the bleak, grey, scary world that numbing can create. So how do you do it?.....Hate to break it to you but it requires hard work and practice, practice, practice.
A while back I was having a casual conversation with a friend about my kids and I told her about a time when they were both suspended from school for the same event (which will remain unspoken for their privacy) and she looked at me and said: “I don’t know how you are so calm? How did you handle that? I would have freaked out.”
I was a bit dumbfounded because the event had been a few years earlier and my children had returned to school and both eventually graduated and went to college (so I didn't understand why she thought I should still be upset about it.) But in thinking about what she had said, I realized that I had remained calm and reacted well when it actually happened as well. Having learned the Daring Way™ and Rising Strong™ work I now understand that I was able to do so because I have a resilient spirit.
According to Brené Brown's research, a resilient spirit requires good problem solving skills, good emotional regulation skills, willingness to reach out for help, faith that life will go on, solid support connections and being resourceful and having an infinite sense of humor helps a lot!
When you don’t have these things small/medium/large problems can become overwhelming and we feel powerless and turn to numbing behaviors. These numbing behaviors (drinking, medications/drugs, food, video games, work) may “take the edge off” and DO help us avoid pain, vulnerability, and discomfort.....for a while.
Unfortunately (you knew that was coming!), when you hide from the tough stuff you become numb to the good as well. Joy, hope, laughter, and peace are numbed too. I have had this happen at really tough times in my life and it is bleak, grey and scary. Turns out that being numb makes us vulnerable too and leads to addiction, depression and chronic anxiety. We can't escape vulnerability.
Cultivating a resilient spirit requires forming solid supportive relationships, attending to your spiritual practice (this is where mindfulness can come into play), ask for help (sounds easy – but being “in need” is NOT comfortable), learning new problem solving skills, and laughter. Most importantly having faith that things will be okay (also known as optimism) – it may be a new kind of okay, but it will be okay.
When you get knocked down like I did the morning I got the email about the suspension (in typical run on sentence form from my terrified daughter), instead of turning to your favorite numbing behavior, it is time to practice. First BREATHE and check in with your emotions. Then CHOOSE to reach out to a friend and ask for support, CHOOSE to find solutions and problem solve. BREATHE some more. BELIEVE that you can solve problems and KNOW you have in the past.
Most importantly when times are good – laugh, enjoy your family and friends and keep the support systems and connections healthy. When we learn to enjoy the good times fiercely, it helps buffer us during the tough times. The world is full of light and dark, grey is not the balance it is the absence of light or dark.
I recently came across this video which exemplifies a resilient spirit perfectly:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqtURNwVTL
Watch and be inspired by the resilient spirit of a blind painter! Then take a moment to think about what you can do to cultivate a resilient spirit... pray, make a phone call, exercise, journal, meditate, dance, laugh, learn something new, practice gratitude, paint, cook, smile, cry, hug, remember.