Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism
As mentioned in my last article, perfectionism is not part of wholehearted living. Almost all of us have one area of our lives where we tend to lean towards perfectionism. In fact, much of American Industry is focused on perfectionism – we get so many messages that we need the perfect body, face, wardrobe, car, phone, job, house, kids, parents, hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, food, partner, sex life, vacation…..
Raise your hand if everything in your life is perfect. Anybody who raised a hand advance straight to GO and don’t forget to collect your $200. You can stop reading now.
For the rest of us it is a daily struggle. When we screw up our self-talk is often “You’re an idiot.” “Why can’t you ever be on time.” “He was right, I’ll never be worth anything.” “What is wrong with me!” “This doesn’t happen to anyone else.” These thoughts are the breeding ground for shame – and shame is not a useful emotion.
The alternative is self-compassion. What you say! SELF – COMPASSION? – simply defined as treating ourselves like we would our child or our most trusted friend. Would you tell your friend “You are an idiot for buying canned tomatoes instead of crushed tomatoes?” Would you yell at them for being 10 minutes late or would you be happy to see them? Would you want your child to believe they weren’t worth anything because of one “C” on a test?
No – you would not. You would say: “No big deal we will just crush those tomatoes ourselves.” “So good to see you I ordered us some appetizers.” “Honey I know how hard you studied, the “C” must be disappointing to you, is there anything I can do to help you study for the next test?” You would offer them COMPASSION.
For many a traumatic event or lack of compassion from others has brought them to a place of self-chastising that keeps them seeking perfection to gain approval. It is a basic sense of unworthiness that has us saying “He will love me if I lose 10 pounds.” “I will get the promotion if I work more.” “No one wants to hear my opinion.” “I can’t go to the party because I have nothing to wear.”
For me personally it is not completely natural for me to offer myself compassion. It seems like making excuses and detrimental to learning from mistakes. I think I deserve to be criticized and am on guard to not make mistakes much of the time. It can be exhausting!
I used to feel like one of my biggest faults is my impulsive nature. I often speak before I have thought things through and can have a sharp tongue at times. Since my intention is rarely to hurt someone with my words, I am devastated when it happens. I usually know right away and feel it in my body as my face flushes and my heart starts pounding – then more words come out trying to take it back. These are very shameful moments for me and I have great difficulty having compassion for myself in these moments. I think: “When are you going to learn.” “This is why no one likes you.” “No one really understands me, I should just be alone.” “Here you go again.”
With self-compassion I have realize that my impulsiveness is also one of my strengths. I will impulsively bring a friend flowers or lunch, give them a hug, volunteer to help out even though I’m busy. It is part of my authentic self – good and bad in the flip of the same coin! I can say to myself “You are not bad, you just made a mistake.” “If they really care about you they will understand and forgive you.” “Your intentions were not bad, take a breath and apologize.” Or simply “Oops!” (But more likely “Oh Sh*t!”)
Practicing self-compassion is not easy but it is required to combat all those messages in the world that push us towards perfection. It is the best and biggest tool against perfectionism that can take over our lives and leave us feeling empty. Perfection blocks the view into our authentic selves. For me practicing means I catch myself being critical and redirect my narrative to offer compassion to myself. (It is not always easy or comfortable.)
Kristen Neff Ph.D. is a great resource for learning more about self-compassion and her website http://self-compassion.org has excellent resources on self-compassion practices that you can do on your own.
Stay tuned for Guidepost #3!