……and letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self worth.
As I sit down to write this I am verging on exhaustion after a productive day…with pride that I turned down an invitation to trivia night (which sounded really fun!) to rest and avoid increased exhaustion the next day.
For the past 20 plus years I lived in one of the busiest and highly production oriented areas of the country. Whenever anyone announced their move to a less exhausting city I congratulated them on “getting out.” And then it was my turn to "get out." What I didn’t realize was the amount of culture shock I was in for! I’m still working on letting go of exhaustion and embracing play and rest. With the help of a nasty cold virus that kicked my butt I got a real taste of what slowing down could do for my mind and soul. But it continues to be uncomfortable to choose play and rest over a pile of paperwork or a sink full of dirty dishes.
In the suburban New York City area (and other large cities) many people have a daily commute of about 2 hours involving complex parking, scheduling and weather related delays. They work in high stress jobs or have spouses who do. Kids play at least one sport a season and are expected to be involved in multiple additional extracurricular activities and make good grades in every subject. Moms who are lucky enough to not work are busy managing large homes, complicated schedules and busy traffic to keep everything working. Other families with dual working families do all that and work multiple jobs. On top of this everyone is expected to be in good shape and take great vacations. It’s a busy little hive of bees. There is a high level of numbing going on.
My son looked at me once over the summer when he was home from school and said: “This life is too stressful for me, there is too much going on and I just need to slow down.” What? How was a 20 year old so wise. He was right. In our effort to have fun we were spending a lot of time managing our to do list and this did not leave time to enjoy play and rest and recover from daily stress. We went from the work week, to happy hour, to early morning workouts, to water sports, to dinner with friends, to late nights to….rinse repeat and then Monday was here again. Isn’t summer time a time of lazy days and easy nights?
In her research, Brené discovered that the research subjects who lived “wholehearted” lives knew how to play and rest. This discovery took her to the work of Dr. Stuart Brown who explains that “play shapes our brain, helps us foster empathy, helps us navigate complex social groups, and is the core of creativity and innovation.” (The Gifts of Imperfection, 2010, pg. 100).
Wow, those are some useful skills.
Having grown up in a family of hardworking small town folk, this concept was difficult for me. Both my parents worked hard and they expected the same of us. To this day the majority of the time I spend with my dad is over chores or projects we do together. He has a hard time with play.
Changing old habits is not an easy task as I have learned over the past year. It is not just a place and the people around you that affect your ability to cultivate play and rest but you can easily become conditioned to think play and rest are a waste of time. In fact, today’s culture does not encourage it. Sports have become hard work and expectations are high. Jobs have increased duties and after work responsibilities are overwhelming for many.
My mind gives me a hard time when I try to play or rest if I have something to do. In fact when I sat down to write this piece, I had to struggle with my thoughts about letting other pressing work wait. It made me smile when I realized what a perfect fit the 7th guidepost was for me today. It reminded me that if I listen to my gut (which in this case was telling me it was time to get back to writing – which is like play for me) it steers me in the right direction.
In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené suggests making a list of the things that bring you joy and laughter and another list of what you spend most of your time doing. Compare the lists and see if you need to make some changes. For some of you it may reveal a pattern of wasted time pursuing things that are not important to you. Be BRAVE and think about giving some things up to take on more play and rest. Write a permission slip to yourself to allow a little less perfection and choose a playful or restful activity to do instead. You are worth it!