Mindfulness helps us understand that emotions come in waves. When we are present and aware we may notice the building of an emotion and see it reach what may seem like an overwhelming crest before it falls down the other side to lap on the beach a bit.
Sometimes a wave will come out of nowhere and hit us with no warning. While these waves have a momentary disorienting and almost unbearable effect, they too will eventually lose power and we will right ourselves and keep going.
Grief often hits us like this. Especially when a loss is unexpected and tragic. But it can also come in slowly and build over time. However it hits you, remember that it will eventually weaken and/or pass. You don’t need to “do” anything. You really can’t do anything but keep moving forward and stay aware.
Staying open and aware will allow other emotions to come into play. You will have gratitude for those who are present and holding you up. You can hold on to a bit of hope in the smile of a happy baby. You can laugh at a funny memory of your loved one. Slowly the grief will not be ever present and you will start to recognize moments when you are free of it. Hold on to those brief moments and they will grow.
One common urge is to find a way to escape or numb the painful emotion. This will work, but it won’t be effective in the long run. Sadly we have learned that when you numb the negative emotions you also numb the positive emotions. When you do this you don’t heal or integrate your loss and you can become defined by it. Numbing comes in many forms: Substance abuse, eating, working, avoiding and many other ways we try block emotions. Eventually they come out, and it is rarely pretty or healthy.
Anytime we suffer a major loss it is because we loved deeply. Our loved one knew this and it made them special. Numbing does not allow us to ever feel anything deeply again and does not honor those we loved.
For me this has been a week of loss and watching others experience loss. I wish I had the power to take away the pain, but I know the best I can do is offer a lifeline as they ride the wave and help them grab a life giving breath or two and I can support those who support them with practical help so that they can sit and hold space for them.
Brené Brown does a great job of explaining the difference between sympathy and empathy. (see this short video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw) Most of us grew up thinking we should offer sympathy when someone has a loss, but it is actually empathy that is healing. Sympathy makes people feel more alone and separate. Avoid jumping in to “solve” or “blaming.” It is mighty uncomfortable at times to share in someones grief. Just remember it is a wave and practice awareness as you watch it come and go until it settles down to a tolerable level.
Thank you to those who trusted me to hold space for them this week and for those who shared their stories of love and loss that moved me to remember the importance of sharing our stories. For those in the midst of it, share your pain and your stories and look for small shadows of hope as you struggle to find safe ground again. I also encourage you to give yourself permission to put your own needs first and not try to fix it for everyone else. Hold tight….