When home alone, I often tune the channel to HGTV to watch shows like Property Brothers and Love It or List It. It is not so much that I am looking for ideas or hate my house, but I love to see the transformations (maybe it is because I am in the transformation business!) What’s not to love about seeing Jonathan remodel a dated 1960’s ranch into a spectacular “open concept” home for a modern family? (It’s going to be funny when the trend turns towards putting walls up.) There is humor and joy in these shows people! Even when they choose to “list it” you can’t help but be excited that the family will get a new start. And what about when they find that “beachfront bargain”? Hey, after this winter, I want on that show!
As if that is not enough, I have come across a new show in the past year that I have started to see as more of a “relationship” show than a home improvement show. Have you seen Fixer Upper? In this show, married couple, Chip and Joanna Gaines help families find needy homes in great neighborhoods in the Waco Texas area and transform them into show places. Chip and Joanna have four children and a growing real estate/construction business in Waco.
While watching this show I have slowly become aware of the fact that I enjoy it because of the healthy dynamic between the couple. Without a healthy relationship how can you have 4 children, a farm and a growing successful business….and a TV show?
So what makes the relationship a “healthy” example?
Most of us learn our relationship skills from our parents. “Whoa? What? I’m not like my parents!” Well I didn’t say that you would mimic them, but that you learned from them. For most of us, we do mimic some of our parents relationship habits. Others try so hard not to be like their parents that they go too far in another direction. For anyone who had healthy role models it is a good thing. But with a divorce rate of 50% or so many of us did not.
I, for one, never really thought too much about actively seeking a healthy relationship. As I have mentioned before I was married relatively young, and in full blown “soul mate” mentality. I was sure we would figure it out as we went along and live happily ever after. I knew my parents relationship was not "healthy" so I thought I had learned what a healthy relationship was by default – I knew what an unhealthy one was!
LOL – I was so wrong. What a bumpy path our marriage has had. Most people would have given up a long time ago but somehow we have stumbled through and “figured it out.” During all that stumbling I realized that I did not know what a “healthy relationship” looked like. Not being an all or nothing person, I believed that there were many different versions. But I realized I needed some guidelines and I discovered the following.
A healthy relationship consist of these things/actions:
· Partnership and Faith
· Intimacy and Sharing Joy
· Validation
· Mutual Cooperation
· Equality and Respect
· Trust and Goodwill
(Most of the time…none of us will have a relationship where this happens 100% of the time – but these things should be recognizable in your partner and your own behavior. If you feel you cannot be this partner, it is time to assess and make changes.)
So as I have watched a variety of episodes of Fixer Upper, I have noticed that Chip and Joanna demonstrate these qualities so easily on screen that I have to believe they are genuinely living a healthy relationship. I have been known to tell clients to watch the show to see a healthy relationship in action when they are working on turning things around.
One example that is often depicted in the episodes is towards the end of the project when Joanna, who is the designer, comes in to finish up the final touches and stage the house for the reveal. Because of the time frame of the projects this is often during the evening. Chip brings the kids by with some take out food and the family has dinner together. He says things like “Look at this house kids, didn’t momma do a wonderful job?” and tells her “I got the kids you finish up, love you.” (these two simple phrases encompass: validation, mutual cooperation, equality and respect and goodwill)
For her part, Joanna expresses thanks, hugs her kids and stops to ask about their day. Many of us might have been frustrated to have the four kids at the worksite and chastised our husbands for not taking them home to feed them, not even stopping to appreciate the meal he had brought and the smiling faces of our offspring. But this is an example of the sharing of joy. Joanna takes that moment to stop her “work” and be with her family – perhaps she is living mindfully! (Just had to get that in there!)
STOP!
Before you go off and tell your spouse to watch the show and point out to him/her that they should be doing this or that better, watch some episodes on your own. Read the list above and evaluate how well YOU, not your spouse enacts these things in your relationship. If the answer is "not so much" or "I could do better", don’t beat yourself up, that won’t help (and after all it’s your parents fault!).
But if you recognize that you are not living up to your end of the relationship bargain start to make small changes. Consider it an experiment and see if you spouse/kids responds to your change in behavior. Offer more compliments, appreciation, and have faith and trust that they always do their best. Bring joy into the family and increase your intimate moments. Ask your spouses opinion on important decisions and honor his/her response. Validate your spouse and your children on their efforts and always treat others with respect.
Look for moments to support your spouse and children and hold your tongue when they make mistakes (we all know when we have screwed up, no one likes to be reminded!) Jump in to help with the snow shoveling, dishes or folding laundry so that you will have more time for intimacy. Repeat their best qualities over and over again so that they know you see them in the best light. And SAY THANK YOU!
Don’t make this an overwhelming task. Make small changes and build from there. Pay attention to how you feel when you do this. Is it clearing any space in your heart for even more good stuff? This is a mindful living because you are AWARE and NOTICING.
There must be something to it. I don’t think too may couples could work together and build such a successful business without a healthy relationship! So watch the show and if they don’t inspire you to remodel your house, maybe you might just remodel your relationship!