Letting Go..what does it mean? Does it mean that we no longer care or have given up hope? Does it mean the outcome will certainly be bad? Does letting go protect us from the pain of loss or mean we must grieve forever for the loss?
It is Sunday and I have just returned from a very good sermon on this topic which has inspired my writing today. (Thank you Rev. David Anderson) In his sermon our priest identified two groups of people who he had observed over time who knew how to “let it go.”
One group consisted of people who had experienced a tragic loss or a great failure related to addiction or mental illness. The second group, in his observation, was made up of those with a deep faith practice of some kind such as daily prayer or meditation. He also added that there tended to be some overlap in the groups and hypothesized that great loss might lead one to a strong faith practice.
In my experience he is right and these are the types of people I see as embodying the act of Letting Go. Many of the people I most admire and who are peaceful, thoughtful, resilient examples in the world have experienced adversity. Others I have put on a pedestal for their ability to live in our world with their faith intact and a strong commitment to seeing Joy in the world and I never really considered the work that they put into it on a daily basis.
Next I thought, but how sad that there are only these two groups and that many others cannot find this same peace and ability to Let It Go. Clearly the point of the sermon is that we must work at this and that Faith can help. I know that I have made great headway towards being a person who can Let It Go through my mindfulness practices and Faith. And that this comes in handy when I have minor adversities to deal with.
So back to “what does it mean?”
My opinion is that Letting Go is really about letting go of control and outcome but not actually closing a relationship or experience down completely. When we no longer have an investment in the outcome we can more fully enjoy the experience and be in the moment.
I played in a competitive tennis league for many years and our matches were on Friday mornings. My team was pretty intense and many people were trying to advance to the next level and were very hard on themselves when they played matches. We were playing to win. That was the only option. So what do you think happened when we lost? Yeah…not so pretty, there was blame, self blame, anger, frustration, fights between friends and family. Great way to start the weekend, right?
So we were “playing” a “game” that at times caused us to hate ourselves. Huh???
By chance I began playing with a different group of people who really loved being outside and being active and meeting new people. That is when I began to love tennis! It was fun, sure it was more fun to win, but it was also fun when I lost because I had a good time with fun people.
We all know the Richard Bach quote “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.” But how many of this can apply this to our relationships? It is hard to let go.
It is hard because we think we will break or never recover. We lack faith in our own ability to deal with loss or disappointment and yet, in our anxiety we sometimes create the loss we so fear. (No worse tennis player than an anxious one.) But in reality if you look back over the times you thought you would not recover from a loss or disappointment how many times is it true?
Well, since you are sitting there reading this, the answer must be never. Because you did survive and you are here today! Sure there may be a scar or two but those scars came with some great stories and a hard won education on something.
We cling because we are anxious and anxiety, while a great emotion to have when a tiger is running after you, is not very effective when you are trying to tame a kitten.
Letting Go does not mean you don’t care, it means you care enough to let someone be who they are and learn from their own mistakes. It doesn’t mean you have given up hope, but quite the contrary, that you believe it will work out as it should. It doesn’t mean there will be a bad outcome, just maybe a different one with a different life lesson in it. Letting Go may not protect you from pain, but you will learn from that pain. And it does not mean you will grieve forever, because you will be able to find some good in the world again eventually.
Mindfulness practices, such as daily prayer, meditation, yoga and tai chi, can help us prepare for situations of great loss and live our lives more fully in the moment to reduce regrets. I do not believe that one must experience a great loss or addiction to learn to live mindfully. But I do believe it requires patience, commitment and work and a willingness to experience our feelings, good and bad. The payoff is well worth it.
I don’t know anyone who does it perfectly. Part of mindfulness is accepting our imperfections. Having compassion for yourself and others when you/they show their imperfections is part of the practice. These are the people David was speaking about when he talked about the groups of people who know how to Let It Go. The ones who are not tied to outcomes, have faith in a greater power, know they can survive and know they are not perfect and do not expect perfection. They can see beauty and goodness in all situations and can sit in pain knowing it will lessen or pass.
Last week I had a lesson in Letting Go when I decided to let my son take our dog, Dot, to live with him in Atlanta. There were many rational reasons why this was a good idea, but my mind kept going to the reasons it was not. (I would miss her, she might get hurt, she might bother the neighbors, was he ready for the responsibility?) In the end rational won and I acknowledged my emotions (loss and anxiety) and let them pass. I now have the new joy of watching (through FaceTime, videos and photos) Dot explore a new environment and my son show his great care taking skills. I miss her and the house is lonely, but I can handle it!
For those of you who would like to work on learning to Let It Go and increase you mindfulness skills I am working on curriculum for an online small group mindfulness program. The program will guide you into a practice that fits with your lifestyle, belief system and goals. If you are interested please email me and I will let you know when we are ready to begin. The first week will be free and there will be a weekly flat rate after that.
Thanks for sharing your time with me!