One of my earliest memories is of a street preacher who was shouting about “hypocrisy” when I was about six years old. It stuck with me all day and I later asked my parents what hypocrisy was. From that point on I was on the look out for it…and as you can imagine, I saw it everywhere, especially because we were a good southern church going family. And to this day the people that irk me the most are those who judge others before looking at their own faults first. (Matthew 7:3: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”)
Yet….I too am guilty of judging others. As you can see above…I have deemed it wrong to be judgmental. That is a judgment. Arggh…..there is the speck in my own eye….working on it!
What is judgment?
To me judgment is when we label something “good” or “bad”, “right” or “wrong” and think less (or more) of ourselves or others because of that label. It feels like something we do to avoid things rather than a useful tool.
HOWEVER, Merriam-Webster defines judgment as:
· An opinion or decision that is based on careful thought.
· The act or process of forming an opinion or making a decision after careful thought: the act of judging something or someone.
· The ability to make good decisions about what should be done.
· A divine sentence or decision; specifically: a calamity held to be sent by God
· The process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing.
For the most part these definitions sound reasonable. But how many of us adhere to the “careful thought” or “discerning and comparing” part? And if we do, are we gathering all the facts first or comparing to our own experience only? It is probably more likely that in day-to-day life our judgment comes quickly and is a response to our own experience and knowledge base with little consideration for all the circumstances.
· “They are poor because they don’t work hard enough.”
· “If she would just work out and eat less she would lose weight.”
· “What was she thinking wearing that in public?”
· “I am a loser for not being able to ….”
· “Anger (sadness, jealousy, fear) is a bad feeling and I must get rid of it.”
These judgments often create a need to “react” that keeps us on our toes avoiding feelings and realities that we may feel inept at dealing with. But by protecting us, the brain can sometimes set up a false reality that limits our growth and sets us up for failure when our own catastrophe happens.
When living a mindful life one learns to adhere to the Merriam-Webster definition and form “an opinion or decision that is based on careful thought.” What does this look like:
Let’s just take the first example: “They are poor because they don’t work hard enough.” So you take the time to speak to this person and ask about their life.
A middle aged woman tells you how she is raising 3 children, her husband has cancer and can not longer work. She works two jobs at minimum wage up to 70 hours per week and she does not have a car, so she takes the bus back and forth to her jobs two towns over, because her own neighborhood is not safe to work in due to violence. She tells you how proud she is of her children, one of whom is working hard to go to college and another who has been diagnosed with ADHD. She is having difficulty getting him appropriate help because the agencies are only open while she is at work. The middle child loves to dance, so she works an extra 10 hours a week to pay for her dance lessons. They eat a lot of cold cereal, macaroni and cheese and rice and beans because these are cheap easy meals to cook.
Now that I have given you the social workers guide to being poor (this may seem like a stretch to you but it is often very close to the stories I hear), what is your opinion? Are there other reasons the person may be poor? Is she even as poor as you thought, or is she rich in spirit? Do you have any admiration for how this person perseveres in these difficult circumstances? Now where does your brain go? Mine often goes to “guilt.” While guilt may be the motivator, what I strive to get to is compassion. It is in compassion that we can become equals and one can judge appropriately by understanding another or a situation fully and then make a “decision” on how to act based on “careful thought”. Guilt may have me running away or overcompensating and making the other person feel lesser. But through compassion, I can see her as my equal and offer encouragement and support.
Another example illustrates how we can self-sabotage with labeling feelings. “Anger (substitute another uncomfortable feeling) is a BAD feeling and I need to get rid of it.” Really? Is it BAD to feel angry after someone socks you in the face or you are told your job has been downsized? In mindful living we learn to notice the emotion and the sensations it creates, we don’t label it good or bad, or right or wrong, it just is and we observe it. How does this benefit us? Well if you observe and evaluate a feeling and sit with it for a bit you may be able to better “judge” it. As in you can form “an opinion or decision that is based on careful thought.” In doing so you can choose to “act” instead of “react”. For example:
You feel angry at being let go from a job and you, you don’t’ like this feeling that someone else has caused for you and you “react” by cussing out your manager (because your manager really wants one less person to do the work and loves letting people go) and trashing your office…..what would happen if two weeks later a co-worker quits and a job opens up again at the same place? Hmmmm…yeah, they are not going to hire the guy who cussed out the manager and trashed his/her office.
If you are living mindfully you may sit there a minute with your feelings, noticing how your heart restricts and your breathing becomes shallow in response to this news. You will recognize that your boss is not happy about letting you go either. You may choose to walk quietly away and take the time to process it all. You can do this because you have a mindfulness practice and you are aware of your emotions and believe you can handle them. You can take this time to feel compassion for yourself and your family along with the anger. This compassion may allow you to use your judgment to handle the situation in a healthy way and leave with dignity. Two weeks later......maybe the phone rings and your manager invites you in to interview for a co-workers position who unexpectedly left.
Of course we will continue to “judge” but if we add in compassion, maybe we can avoid labeling things as good or bad and learn to accept them as what they are.
In my previous post I stated “There is no place for ‘judgment’ in mindful living.” And today, I must amend that a little. During mindfulness practice, one should not judge, but simply observe. However, when living a mindful life…there may be room for “judgment” as defined above, because we must make decisions in life, and it is probably best that we do it with compassion and with careful thought.
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” The Dalai Lama