After reading my piece on Mindfulness my friend Julie asked “Why are we so hard on ourselves?” Of course there is no one answer and it is certainly not simple, but I thought I would explore the question today.
Negative self-talk…that little voice in your head that criticizes you constantly and tells you “you are not good enough.” When we listen to it we sometimes hold back or make safer choices, or we just waste valuable time debating with the voice. Sometimes we give up on goals because we believe it. (“I’m too fat.” “too poor” “not smart enough” “going to say the wrong thing” “She doesn’t have time for my problems.” “They won’t give me that job.”)
How did this voice get so negative?
That can come from a variety of things.
One is being around others who are very critical or have lots of opinions about how things can be done. (“What were those parents thinking letting her do….?” “I never/always..”) Often we don’t agree with the person but start questioning our own beliefs because they seem so confident that they are right.
Do you have a lot of friends who only tell you the good things and never seem to have any problems? It sure can make you feel like a failure. (Seriously, they have to have some problems, right???) When something bad does happen to someone else it is blasted all over the news or social media. Our inner voice says "OMG, I can’t let that happen to me!"
Kids who have learning differences hear so much negative feedback at school they learn to play the same tape in their heads (“I’m stupid.” “I can’t do anything right.”)
We all end up with a lot of fear and anxiety over meeting expectations or avoiding exposure. After a while our brains can actually become trained to think negatively and then it is a really hard pattern to break. (But it can be broken!)
Studies show that it takes 5-6 positive statements to negate one negative one…what? (Think about how easy you brush of positive feedback and how much brain power you devote to a negative comment.) How many positive things do you say to your kids/spouse/co-worker everyday? I would venture a guess that the odds are 5:1 in the wrong direction. "Who has time to for all that positive talk?" Which may be another problem, we are too busy to put time into our communication skills and we just plow through without really considering the long-term effects on ourselves and others. People are motivated by criticism, and it is often easier to point out what is wrong than what is right. But is it the best way?
My political mind wants to give you the economic spin on this…so I will indulge. All this negativity is costing real money (but helping us therapists stay in business!). It is costing us in lost productivity, and lower achievements. (see https://hbr.org/2013/03/the-ideal-praise-to-criticism/) As mentioned above we are wasting time processing negative feedback from others and blown up by our own self-talk. Do you think your brain has limitless energy? No, it doesn’t, so that is time that could be spent on work, play, spiritual practice, family…..
On top of all this, society sends us a message that it is not okay to be your own cheerleader and we expect others to build us up. (Are you counting the likes on your Facebook post for validation?) Today many are so busy building their protective wall and arguing with their own negative voice that they don’t take time to compliment others. In group settings I often have clients do two exercises, one where they compliment others followed by a compliment to themselves. In every case they struggle more with the compliment to themselves and most of the compliments to others are very superficial.
So then where are we? In a world without sincere compliments and a lot of people feeling anxious and unimportant.
An example:
One of my pet peeves is the lack of attention to the emotional well being of students with learning differences. (Let a mother rant for a moment, will you?) These kids are constantly being told they did something wrong, forgot something or are getting poor grades. They need extra positives in their lives to counter this negativity. Just saying, “Timmy, you did a good job finishing your homework, but I think we need to go over it together again” instead of handing back a failing grade with no acknowledgment of the effort would make all the difference in the world over time. (Yes teachers, we are back to the time thing….I know.) It is not limited to kids with LD either, all school children are reporting increased anxiety and depression. Our teachers are overworked and framing criticism with praise takes a gentle mind and more time. Some school districts have had success with reducing anxiety in both staff and students by introducing mindfulness exercises into the day (check out the www.childmind.org or http://www.mindfulschools.org.)
Mindfulness is key to helping me battle the negative self-talk monster. When I take the time to observe my feelings and acknowledge my thoughts it helps me re-center myself and I find that I am more positive. And I have noticed that when I start the day on a positive note and share that with others I have great days. If I can catch my negative mood and take a time out to meditate, I can often turn it around. And it has helped me make an impact on others, by freeing up some brain energy to be other people’s cheerleaders.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) also helps with those who suffer from serious negative self-talk by helping clients identify their negative thoughts, challenge them and even test their validity. Many of us also carry around negative core beliefs that interfere with our ability to enjoy life or create unnecessary anxiety and fear. This is a good option for those with suffering anxiety and depression.
What can you do on your own to change your brain’s pattern of negative self-talk? It may not happen overnight, but here are some first steps:
· Take a moment in the morning to remind yourself of what you are good at and what makes you special.
· Start and end your day with positive remarks to your family and/or co-workers.
· When you go out think about how you can positively impact those around you. (Making eye contact with a cashier and offering a smile could ease their burden just a bit…do you have time for that?)
· Use your social media for positive messaging to others. (Follow me on Instagram for positive snippets daily).
· Remember Abileen Clark in The Help (2011) “You is smart, you is kind, you is important.” She understood!
Try this out for a day, a week, a month and let me know if it made a difference.