Correction – “Raising Women In a Fifty Shades of Grey World.”

If you have not read the books or seen the movie, you surely have heard about it (assuming you are not living under a rock.)   Very simply, a girl meets a powerful  man, falls in love instantly (there is a connection!), he has some quirks, she changes for him, he becomes a sweet caring, more vulnerable man due to her love, they live happily ever after. And did I mention he saves her from a bad guy?

I’ve read books like this before, Harlequin Romances and Danielle Steel novels. I have never thought much about reading these books, they were introduced to me by my grandmother, and they taught me to love reading. (Who doesn’t love a good damsel saved by prince, happily ever after story?) The Twilight Series was basically the same story just without the kinky stuff (although marrying a vampire could be considered outside of the norm.)

Many people have written about not wanting to see the movie because the female character succumbs to a relationship that puts her in a vulnerable position (G rated version) and the male is dominant. Avoiding such relationships is certainly something we need to teach our daughters. 

But stories like this are not going to go away and just because Fifty Shades of Grey is a little more kinky doesn’t make it any worse. So I disagree with many who object to seeing the movie on religious grounds because the kinky part is not the real problem.

The real issues as they relate to a message towards woman are:  

·      the role of woman as needing a man to take care of/rescue her and

·      the premise that by loving a man you can change him.

These two themes creep in quietly behind the kinky bedroom scenes in this book and in the less kinky versions, like Twilight and your average supermarket romance novel.

Historically there are many messages in our world that tell young girls and young women that they need a man.  Simply that...you need a man to take care of you, provide for you, rescue you from bad guys etc.  I’m guilty of it t, asking my daughter who she is dating and telling her she better “marry well to continue the lifestyle she is accustom to.”  I must have bought into it hook line and sinker, engaged at 20 and married at 21 myself. (Happy to have a partner, but it took me a while to realize I am whole with or without him.)

Fifty Shades of Grey has this message in it (and more), Christian Grey provides, rescues and “completes” Anastasia Steele (I just realized that Steele is a “shade of grey” LOL.)  This message has many of us, our daughters and granddaughters spending endless amounts of time seeking a man (or berating the one we have)….to take care of us, to make us whole. We don’t even realize that we are already whole and it sends us on endless dead end journey towards a wholeness that we already hold within ourselves. All this wasted time is preventing us from spending time discovering who we really are, saving the world….and/or maybe just curing cancer or serving our country as a soldier.

Secondly, the implication that if you love someone deeply enough they will change for you is simply fantasy.  People change, yes, but if we think that they will do it “for us” we are sadly mistaken.  Sure, sometimes we are motivated by the ones we love to make significant changes, but the real change comes from within and a desire to be the best we can be. Don’t be fooled, someone who is simply motivated to please you, but does not truly share your values will not be able to sustain the change.

As caregivers of girls who we want to grow into women we need to be careful not to reinforce these messages and to encourage our mini me's to have their own fantasies, but live in reality. Validate their dreams, offer support and guidance and live by example. Not always easy to do, but let’s give it a try.

Spend less time talking about whose dating who (No more Kardashian drama) and more time talking about world events and the arts. Teach your daughter to cook if she loves good food, but also teach her to change a tire, file her taxes and draft a business plan. If she says she wants to be a decorator make sure she doesn’t really want to be an architect.  Get involved in politics and support paid family leave legislation.  Tell her about your greatest accomplishments – outside of the home.  Take her to the symphony or deer hunting. Sign her up for baseball, not softball, if she wants. Let her know there is nothing a woman cannot do and hold her hand when others tell her differently. If you love being a mom, tell her all about how wonderful it is, but also tell her about your other passions.

Tell her what it means to be a “partner” and make sure she looks for someone who sees her as already complete and wants to share her with the world.

George Clooney dated a lot of beautiful women, but he married an accomplished human rights lawyer…do you think she was sitting around waiting on a prince to pick her up in a helicopter? I think she was busy saving the world and Mr. Clooney got really lucky when she crossed his path.

In the end, men are like a classic Hermes Kelly Bag (Red alligator for only $59,000), who doesn’t want one? But living without one never killed anyone.

So, I say see the movie if you want to, don’t see it if you don’t want to.  But remember that it is fantasy, not reality. Discuss it with your friends as a great FANTASY but keep working on your own already whole self, learn, experience, share, grow!